Breathe
by Deidamea
Summary: Slightly AU. Grief and insecurities drive Kagome to question her true purpose in the past. As the dooming end of the hunt looms just ahead, can she fight alongside everyone or will her fear of loosing them drag her down before the end? Can she fill the ga


Disclaimer: With no amount of begging will those amazingly wild fantasies floating through my severely demented mind ever bear any form of truthfulness. And that means: damn I'd like to own them all. And I'd so tie the dog-eared one to my bed… gotta find some use for those shackles… to play with his hair, of course 'nods with absolute conviction'. And I wonder just how much cloth would actually fall down if I pulled that ridiculously bow-tie looking bow on the pervert's – gah… he so is what I crave 'drools all over keyboard' – chest. Mmm… valid question. Let's start a debate, shall we? And whoever thinks he wears pants underneath? I don't Oo I am _so_ bad! And it is _so_ 2 am!

On with the show!

* * *

**Breathe**

_By Deidamea_

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Chapter I 

Higurashi Kagome snarled, startling both herself and the poor innocent rabbit which had been daringly approaching her prone form.

Stunned at her own reaction, she tried to smooth her features back in a more humanly shape, but could do little more than hide her ridiculously harmless teeth before her thoughts strayed to the source of her rage and her face twisted even more, minus the animalistic sound.

She'd been sitting by the well for hours, struggling to keep her thoughts clean of any trace of the last three days, fighting with the dam that kept her emotions in check. Everything had been perfectly fine.

Stupid rabbit.

The darn thing couldn't have found a better moment to shatter her concentration, therefore allowing her mind to be swarmed and filled to the brink with the unwanted feelings.

Pain. Betrayal. Despair.

And above all, mind-numbing anger.

Kagome shook her head forcefully in hopes of clearing the sudden red haziness that had slithered into her vision. She wasn't supposed to feel this way. She was the ever-gentle, the expendably sweet and caring character of the group. Nothing could set her past fickle or petty annoyance. Kind-hearted Kagome who stomped her foot, yelled insults worthy of any three year old throwing a tantrum, jumped down the well and came back completely cooled off. She was meant to forgive and forget. She was meant to understand, to be the friend, the one that held it all together despite the darkness surrounding their ploy.

Had she changed?

The innocent girl who had fallen through time all those years ago would have never ever even dreamt of feeling the storm of tainted emotions that assaulted her at that moment. She might have sulked for a little while, shed a few clean tears to make him feel bad, but she would never ever have felt the beginning of loathing gnaw at her soul.

And yet, in that instant, she hated him; hated him with all of her being. She hated the way he had tittered indecisively for so long, constantly driving her to the brink of hope before squashing everything in the span of a breath. She hated the way he looked at her, hated the way he saw through her. She hated the way he could never seem to accept his own choice, always going on a rampage when she so much as sighed the other way. And more than anything, she was raging at herself. For hoping, for trailing in his wake for so long, accepting everything he threw her way without question.

Was this what becoming a woman entailed? One could lose innocence by simply by ransacking through blood, gore and bitterness for too long.

Kagome's head shot up as a horrid thought struck her, wide blue eyes stopping to stare blindly at the path leading to the village.

Despite everything - despite all those times she had sworn to herself that they were not the same – was it possible that she would always inevitably slip into Kikyou's blood-stained footsteps?

Could it be that their souls were so tightly entwined that she couldn't avoid falling victim to the same dreaded destiny? After all, hadn't she already fallen in love with the same man? What was there to say that she would grow embittered and cold as the undead miko?

Kagome shuddered.

Somehow, it was almost too easy for her mind to picture herself slipping in the soulless, wandering woman. From the last time she had dared look into a mirror, she knew for certain that one only needed to change the eye color.

As the years went by, most of what had made her and Kikyou two different people, at least in her mind, had seem to slowly disintegrate, leaving behind two women so identical in body and spirit that Kagome had begun to loose herself even more.

Maybe that was where it had all started.

The changing part, she meant.

At first, it had only been Inuyasha. But then, with time, people started to be wary of her, mistaking her for the wandering miko and refusing to allow her inside their villages for fear that she would steal more souls.

With time, she had somehow grown used to it, but it didn't change the damage done to her self-esteem.

And that damage might have been what caused this bout of hatred to rage through her system right at that moment. Adding up to countless other things, of course.

Now that the dam was broken and swept away in a torrent of bottled up memories, there seemed to be nothing to stop her from sinking. Or wallowing. Or withering, depending on which you looked at it.

Of its own accord, her hand traveled down to lay on her stomach, absentmindedly prodding the layers of white gauze covering it.

And for the second time since that damned fur ball disturbed her perfectly controlled state of mind, the scene replayed itself before her eyes, in all of its cruel reality.

_Naraku was hovering above the clearing, sneering as a blur of red attempted to get past his bulging tentacles and failed miserably._

_They were outnumbered. There were just too many demons overpowering them._

_Miroku was struggling to remain on his feet, clutching his staff like a lifeline. Beads of sweat were appearing on his feverish forehead, some burning his glazed eyes as he fought the destructive effect of the poisonous bees. His Kazaana was useless, throbbing dangerously beneath the seal of his glove and rosary. It had cracked twice already in the midst of this battle._

_And it seemed like he was seriously considering using it again, as Sango fell to her knees under the assault of yet another resilient flood of mindless youkai._

_The Taijiya was nearing exhaustion. Unforgiving missteps had cost her more wounds than she could withstand, and her entire body was trembling from blood loss and growing despair._

_Kagome, for her part, was already on her knees, an unconscious Shippou cradled against her chest. Her weakening barrier against Naraku's miasma shook and flickered tremendously, the result of far too long a time trying to hold it despite the tainted souls of youkai slipping through her pure power. Her heart was beating madly in her chest, threatening to burst any second from fear and adrenaline. But it did no good._

"_Kagome-sama!"_

_Fighting against the fog in her brain, Kagome turned unfocused eyes to the monk, vaguely startled to find him so close._

_Why was he standing in front of her?_

_He shouldn't have to try and protect me… that's Inuyasha's…_

_Confusion swarmed her head once more as she tried her hardest to focus on the whitish blue barrier that had been keeping all present humans from falling victim to the poisonous fumes of the miasma._

_Inuyasha…_

_Where was Inuyasha?_

_Lifting her glazed eyes up above, she squinted to make out his red form among the sea of snarling beasts and vicious tentacles._

_Where was he?_

_She heard it then._

_Naraku's laugh._

_Cold. Calculating._

_She shivered._

_Satisfied…_

_Without her conscious knowledge, her eyes swiveled around. And promptly widened in horror, all thoughts slipping from her numbing mind._

_There he was. Protecting Kikyou._

_He was standing in front of her uncaring figure, sword and fangs out, swiping at the seemingly unending waves of demons heading his way._

_Protecting Kikyou…_

_Kikyou who had stolen their jewel shards. Kikyou who wanted to drag him down to hell with her for deeds he hadn't done. Kikyou who had just betrayed them to the one who was the true cause of all her suffering._

_Kikyou who was _dead

_Cold slithered in her veins, ice chipping at her heart._

_And then, there was pain. Vicious. Lashing._

_The last things she heard were Miroku's shout of horror and Sango's wail. White flooded her vision, blue tinting its edges as she felt something come loose inside her chest and pour out of every pore of her skin._

Those were her last moments of consciousness.

She had woken up two days later, or at least she was told. Kaede-baa-chan had been overing worriedly above her, looking even more worn out than her long years allowed.

According to the old miko, she had let loose an extremely powerful wave of purification just as her barrier failed, effectively cleaning out any trace of lower demons present in the area.

But Naraku had escaped.

And the pain she had felt before passing out came from a poisoned wound that had nearly been fatal.

That, however, was not what was on Kagome's mind at that moment. She had shrugged off the woman's hands and asked after her friends, almost missing the grief that flashed briefly through the miko's eyes. Sango was alive, though just recovering, mostly thanks to the purification effect on her wounds. Miroku, for his part, was still sleeping off the after effects of being heavily poisoned, but he had awakened a few times in the last days, encouraging them that he should pull through. And Inuyasha was mostly unharmed, though no one had seen him since he had carried her back, Kirara in his wake with the two others on her back.

And Shippou…

Kaede hadn't wanted to tell her.

Shippou…

The little kitsune was gone, his unconscious form having acted as a shield to the worst of the blow she had taken.

And now, Kagome sat in shame, guilt and mind-numbing grief, trying to throw the weight crushing her shoulders on the careless hanyou who had abandoned her in the midst of battle.

And yet, she knew. Deep down, she knew that she was as much to blame as he was.

If she hadn't insisted, if she had stayed away from the fight as they had told her to… She wouldn't have brought a small child to his death.

Tears pricked painfully behind her eyes, burning, but she refused to let them fall.

Shippou was gone.

"Kagome-sama…"

Startled, Kagome lifted her head and clumsily shot to her own unstable feet in order to help the monk that was unsteadily approaching her.

"Miroku-sama!" she cried worriedly, temporarily forgetting to wallow for the sake of someone else. "What are you doing up and so far from the village? You should still be in bed!"

Miroku turned tired eyes to her, a thin smile slipping on his lips.

"As should you, Kagome-sama," he answered strenuously, vaguely surprised when she stepped directly against his side and placed and arm around his back, pulling some of his weight on herself.

But she didn't seem to be in any state of mind to remember who exactly it was that she was practically hugging so he decided not to remind her. Instead, he gratefully leaned into her warmth, slipped his free arm around her to support the both of them to the well.

A little out of breath but comfortably settled against the old wooden structure, the two friends sat in complete silence for a long while, simply trying not to think too much about the drastic turn their quest had taken, screeching wheels and all.

Kagome was, though she couldn't explain why, grateful that it was Miroku by her side, and not Sango or Kaede. Not that it would be a bad thing, but ever since she had met the monk, she had realized that he had a way of soothing her that no one else could equal. Even Inuyasha's rare moment of softness paled in comparison to the simple, uncomplicated peace Miroku emanated.

And she let herself drink it all up, knowing that soon, everything would shatter and she would be forced to face reality again.

Reality without Shippou…

"I thought you would have gone back home."

Miroku's quiet voice broke through her musings, and she half-turned to him, eyeing him from the corner of her eye.

But he didn't add anything else. He just sat there, watching her calmly.

"I thought so as well," she answered just as quietly.

A questioning flicker was her only answer and she sighed, looking back ahead.

"I came here to do just that," she said, wrapping her fingers around a stray curl of her hair and twisting it absentmindedly. "But then, I couldn't."

"Why?"

"Because if I go now…" She hesitated, not sure that she really wanted to tell him. But then again, of all the others, he might be the only one capable of understanding. "Because if I go now," she said again with more determination, "I just might not come back."

Miroku was silent for a long while after that, and when she gave in and sneaked a glance at him, she realized that he had settled back and closed his eyes.

"Hey! Are you…"

"I know it's selfish," he cut her bubbling annoyance off with a small grin, "But I'm glad you are still here."

Kagome sat with her mouth hanging open, deflated and slightly speechless.

"Why?" she asked, gathering her wits enough to put words into her mouth. "I mean," she amended when he gave her a meaningful look combined with a roll of his eyes, "it's not like I'm all that useful."

"Don't say that, Kagome-sama. We all would have likely been either lost or dead long ago if you hadn't been there to reign us in."

Kagome could feel the burning building up again behind her eyes and when she spoke, there was a definite itch in her voice.

"Do you really mean that?"

Miroku's eyes widened considerably. How could she even doubt it? But of course, four years of trailing in the wake of Inuyasha's constant insults and putdowns could do that to one's confidence.

He lowered his ungloved hand to her forearm and gave it a gentle squeeze, watching in fascination as a tiny ounce of life seemed to flit back into her from the fleeting contact.

"Never doubt my words, Kagome-sama," he replied in a soft voice, satisfied when she caught on and smiled disbelievingly up at him.

"Of course! How could I? You? Who would not even lie for shelter? Never."

And she giggled, the sound like music to his much disabused ears.

He was happy if, for a few moments, he could make her forget. Forget the pain the weighted so visibly on her. Forget the future that lay, so uncertain, up ahead.

As the silence grew once more between them, however, he knew that it was over.

"Ne, Miroku-sama?" Kagome began a few minutes later.

"Nani?"

"Thank you for… you know… protecting me. When Inuyasha… I-I mean…"

"Doishimashite, Kagome-sama." Not really knowing what to say in order to avoid going down the path they were heading, he simply changed the subject. "You know, Kaede-sama said that with a little bit of training, you could master the power you let loose back then."

And he promptly winced as Kagome jerked and visibly struggled to keep herself together.

'Nice going, baka!'

But then, she shook her head forcefully and turned to him, her soulful blue eyes completely dry.

"Would you help me, Miroku?"

He dully noted the informal address, deep down strangely glad that she would finally stop the formalities. They had known each other for years now. It was only natural.

"Train?" She nodded. "I do not know if I can be of much help," he said, fidgeting with the beads on his hand somewhat nervously, "but I will do my best if that is what you wish."

"Arigatou," Kagome took a deep breath and looked down, her longish bangs coming down to shield her eyes from him. "I won't be so weak next time. I swear!"

Startled by the fierceness behind the word, Miroku ignored the pain as he sat up and slid slightly closer to his companion.

"You were not weak, Kagome. The power you let loose before fainting is more than proof of that."

"If I'm not weak than why is Shippou _dead_?"

Her grief laden voice rang loudly in his ears, and it was all he could do not to let his throat get clogged again.

Without thinking, he reached over and pulled her into his arms, her head coming to rest limply under his chin as she half sat, half lied against his side.

"Why?" she breathed chokingly into the rough fabric of his robes. "Why is he dead?"

And this once, Miroku found himself unable to find words appropriate to answer that question. There was no reason. Shippou had been a child, at the wrong place at the wrong time. And just like that, his life had been ended.

Cruel circumstances that did not lessened the pain of those left behind.

A twist of fate that might have been destined from the start.

But none of this would make them feel any better about the bitter truth.

So he kept quiet and let Kagome cry. Finally.

* * *

. I can't believe I killed Shippou… 

Hell! Sorry guys. Wasn't actually supposed to turn out that way. But I guess I got carried away. And it sounded so good when I wrote it too. I just couldn't think of Kagome really hating Inuyasha for anything less.

Yeah. Must be it.

Hehe… sorry. I'm rambling. But tell me if you liked it. This is heading towards a KagMir pairing, but I guess, considering what I just did on the spur of the moment, you never know what rubbish I'm going to spout! Stay tuned for the 'suite'. That is, if you liked it. 'Cause if you didn't… Gah! I'm rambling again.

And don't worry, this is in no way a Inuyasha bashing. I love him too much to hurt him. I could just eat those adorably cute, twitching, furry appendages on top of his unbelievably handsome-in-a-ruggish-dark-brooding-kind of way head. Wait! Can't be dark. Oh well. And am I the only one to actually squeal every time he twitches them? I just melt. I know; sounds awfully mushy but hey! You wouldn't wanna live in my head. It's _scary_…

Yeah yeah I know. Just shut up and get writing!

See ya!


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